A lot has happened sense my last blog, and it seems it was a long time ago…for now..this one is just a list..
It is sad that there is only three things on this list and it has changed so much of my life..
I am 22 years old..married and I am going to be a mother..
I am scared…
and sadly…I feel so alone..
It seems I have to hide my feelings, because I do not want to upset anyone…so I do..
I do not write them out,
I do not express myself in anyway.
I simply….keep to myself
My blogs are not meant to be perfect..not meant show precise language..
My blog is meant to show my state of mind…Hoping…it makes sense to someone..if anyone at all…
I have not blogged in so long..
I am pushing down this hole that I was forcing myself to stay above for so long..I do not know what is happening..it seems that no one is understanding how to help me stay afloat..My partner is bipolar and I understand that it is hard to help someone stay up when they themselves need to be up as well..it gets hard…pushing your energy into him when it feels barely any energy is being pushed for you..you say sorry a lot…keep things to yourself…not wanting to be a bother..so all you think about is how to make him happy, and not once think about yourself..so what do you do?
,,,,
,,,
,,
,
Nothing…
When you feel like everything is going well. For once you wake up and you feel positive all around…You wake up and think that everything will be okay..
Soon…
Everything starts turning around..
Not excited about your 21st…not excited about finally paying off your credit card..Not excited about anything..
It only takes one tiny comment…one slip of a bad thought..and
……you
…..are
….down
A couple days straight of your up mood…
makes your down mood harder…
Today, I am in one of my up moods. Been down this whole week…so much is going on and it feels like there is huge rocks on my shoulders. I woke up today..and felt content. I feel a little higher than usual.
If you suffer from depression…you know. This is a good day.
Empty
People that blame other people for things that were done, and not take responsibility are cowards.
“The reason we all like to think so well of others is that we are all afraid of ourselves. The basis of optimism is sheer terror.”
— Oscar Wilde
I do not complain to everyone about what is going on in my life. No, I do not always mention what is happening. I may be struggling and going through sicknesses with my family, but I know other people have it worst.
I know someone out there does not have a car and takes the bus every day. so, when my car breaks down and I use the money I was saving (to pay for books) is something I should not complain about. I feel depressed,and for someone that suffers from depression, I can not control this. Yes, I may say from time to time that I am tired, but it is because I am. I am emotionally tired. Not physically, but emotionally drained from everything that is going on.
I am about to turn 21, and I do everything basically on my own. ( A package that comes with growing up). I have been doing this sense I was 16, and it is something that I have no problem with. Growing up and being adult is not my issue, I really have no issue. I have a roof over my head, and I may not have a lot of physical things. I do have a lot of dedication…to prove to those people that say “you only complain” ( when I am merely answering your question “How are you, and what is going on”). The one phrase that gets me every time “you are just like your mother”..I have two five year plans, and one is almost complete. I will receive my Doctorate degree before I am 32. I have goals and a mind set to go far. I have a mindset to help other people and myself.
Basically, do not ask me these questions:
“how are you?”
“what is going on?”
“why is that happening?”
IF, you are to respond with “Why are you complaining”.
When I ask you those questions, I merely listen and only give advice if asked. If asked for help, I help with no hesitation. Maybe, that is my downfall.
(Rant is complete).
Mindless Indulgence 